Respect, not deference
Many years ago I had the honor of interviewing one of the chief executives at a company event. Immediately afterwards, he asked me how I thought it went. I said it went swimmingly. I was hard pressed to think of anything that could have been better. He suddenly went silent, obviously underwhelmed by my response. It took me a while to see that in the moment I was spellbound by his seniority. I simply wanted to bask in the reflected glory.
Professionally, and in life, there’s a crucial distinction between respect and deference. Too often there are social and psychological factors that push us toward deference. We are a highly social species. We are innately hierarchical. We pay close attention to position, rank, and status. But we do a disservice to our community when we get caught up in those things.
In a professional context, deference is a shiny but overvalued coin. Deference puts another person’s position ahead of the principle or problem. Deference is thus more likely to be risk averse, and less capable of fresh and innovative thinking. Understandably, clients have little time for consultants or salespeople who tread too lightly around supposedly sacred assumptions.
Respect is a more inclusive and productive mindset. Respect is universal, while deference is contextual and contingent. We respect others regardless of their status or position, not because of it. Whether we’re dealing with someone more junior or senior, mutual respect is the shortest path to the core issue. Because when we set aside social ephemera, linking arms in a common quest for improvement, we’re more apt to see the performance standard that matters most. Mutual respect reinforces the fact that everyone falls short of this standard, and that we’re collectively pursuing a shared ideal.
The differences between a deference culture and a respect culture are vast:
In a deference culture, challenges are perceived as threats to a fragile order. In a respect culture, challenges are welcomed as catalysts of growth.
In a deference culture, people salute the uniform. In a respect culture, they pay homage to what the uniform represents.
Deference breeds conformity and close-mindedness. Respect promotes exploration and expansiveness.
Deference strives for likability. Respect aspires to objectivity.
If it seems you’re operating with a mindset of deference, rather than a mindset of respect, it might be time to pause and reflect.